


Tonight I Need You To Stay

by psychicdreamsandangelwings



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Domestic Violence, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Flashbacks, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Phanfiction, Physical Abuse, Some Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2016-03-28
Packaged: 2018-05-28 23:07:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6349348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psychicdreamsandangelwings/pseuds/psychicdreamsandangelwings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because Dan can't fix Phil. Dan can be there for him, he can hold Phil when he feels like he's going to slip away, he can attempt to put together the broken pieces. Dan can sit there and outline everything he loves about Phil, tell him he's beautiful and worthy, love him with every fiber of his being. But in the end, the only person who can save Phil is Phil. And that's the hardest thing Dan has ever had to admit. </p><p>Or the one where Dan and Phil are best friends, pushing towards lovers, and Phil's past abusive relationship still affects him. Also, I swear this isn't as angsty as it sounds.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is intended to be a fairly short chaptered fic, most likely nothing more than five or six chapters, but if you've ever read any of my other fics you'll know the ones I intend to be a few chapters usually end up longer. The title was taking from the song The Run and Go by Twenty One Pilots. I had originally intended to call it something else but this song came on shuffle while I was posting this and I just had to change it.
> 
> This fic may be triggering to some so please read the tags and refrain from reading if you are easily triggered.

Dan vividly remembers the first time he heard Phil utter Tristan's name. He’ll never forget the look of terror on his best friend’s face, terror that was aimed _at him_ , and he swore to himself then and there he would do whatever it took to keep that look off of Phil’s face. Seeing Phil absolutely petrified of him was one of the worst days of Dan’s life and he remembers every second of it like it was yesterday.

They had just moved into their first apartment in Manchester, both of their YouTube channels are alive and thriving, and Dan actually feels like he has a best friend for the first time in his life. Their lives are good, better than good, nothing but good. Phil is a constant reminder of what it’s like to feel alive and Dan has never been happier than he is when he’s around Phil. Phil’s like a giant ray of sunshine that brings so much cheerfulness into his life, he directly combats against Dan’s sardonic personality, which is something Dan hadn’t known he’d been missing. He feels good about himself for the first time in his life, it’s hard to have negative thoughts when he’s surrounded by Phil’s bubbly personality, and for the first time in a while he’s really loving life.

He’s never had a connection with anyone, not even his own family, like the one he shares with Phil and Dan loves it. There’s nothing better in life than having someone who understands you, knows how to pick you up when you are down, and is always there. Life is good for them, everything seems to be fitting into place nicely, and Dan couldn’t have been happier if he tried. They’ve both found careers they enjoy and are passionate about and share an apartment in a city they love.

A few days after they've moved into their Manchester flat the two of them are in their kitchen, unpacking their new dishes. Dan is making Phil laugh, that booming laugh that fills up the entire room and makes Dan smile wider than he ever has before, when Phil drops a plate. The glass dish shatters on impact, causing shards to go skidding across their tile, with a loud crash that reverberates throughout the entire room. It takes a second for Dan to process exactly what had happened but once he does he laughs it off, shaking his head fondly.

"Oh Phil," Dan says, voice teasing as he draws out Phil’s name, face breaking out into a grin. He moves toward the cupboard where they keep their broom, not thinking much about the plate breaking. It's just one plate and they hadn't even paid that much for it, it’s not like they didn’t have plenty of other plates or the money to go and buy a new one.

He grabs the broom and brings it out into the kitchen, intent on sweeping up the pile of glass that's currently scattered across their kitchen. His mind isn’t completely focused on the situation, to busy debating with itself about whether or not he should tweet what had just happened. He thinks the fans might get a kick out of it and would probably find the situation as funny as he does

Because of this Dan doesn't notice that, unlike him, Phil does not find this situation amusing. Instead he’s absolutely petrified, completely frozen with his hands locked at his sides. The look on Phil's face when Dan turns around is something Dan has never seen before and it stops him dead in his tracks, worried frown coming over him. Dan’s seen Phil scared before, but this is a whole new level. He decides he doesn’t like it one bit, it’s so unlike Phil’s usually bubbly personality, and Dan will do anything to get rid of that look.

"Phil?" Dan asks softly, not sure what to do. He’s never seen that look on anyone’s face, especially not Phil, and he has to fight back the urge to start panicking. "Are you okay? What's the matter?"

Phil doesn't say anything, he just stands there with his hands frozen at his sides and his eyes wide open. "Phil, you're scaring me," Dan tries again, dropping the broom gently, afraid the loud noise might make the situation worse, before he takes a few steps forwards. He reaches out his arm, intent on gently taking Phil's hand, and quickly realizes that that was a huge mistake.

Dan's hand isn't even two feet away from him when Phil drops to the ground, not being careful to mind the glass on the floor, with his hands up in front of his face as if to prevent a blow. He's only wearing shorts and the sudden movement makes him fall into the pile of glass, uncovered knees taking the brunt of the fall.

"I'm sorry," Phil chokes out, closing his eyes tightly. "I'm so sorry, please. I didn't mean to break it. Don't hit me."

And oh, this is something different. Dan has no idea what he's supposed to do, in all the times that he and Phil had hung out this has never happened. The idea that Phil thinks that Dan might hit him, especially over something as simple as breaking a cheap plate neither one of them really cares about, has Dan’s heart aching. What has Phil been exposed to that would make him react like that?

"Phil," Dan tries again, making his voice sound as soothing as he possibly can, "it's just me. Phil, can you hear me? It's Dan. Phil, I'm not mad at you. The plate was cheap; we can just buy a new one. Phil?"

Phil starts to cry then, seemingly stuck in some kind of flashback as he starts mumbling an incoherent stream of apologies, and Dan tries to get him to calm down. Phil's breathing becomes even more ragged and it’s apparent he doesn’t recognize where he is, having been thrust into some sort of memory. Dan doesn't touch him, too afraid of what that might do to him, but he sits down next to him, as close as he dares to, and starts to whisper softly in his ear.

Dan knows what a panic attack looks like, he’s experienced enough in his life to identify one, and there’s no doubt in his mind that Phil is having one right now. The situation is made more complicated by the fact that he doesn’t seem to realize where he is, something that Dan has never been exposed to before and makes him fear for Phil’s wellbeing. Phil is Dan’s rock, the one he goes to when he’s starting to spiral out of control, and Dan doesn’t know what to do now that the tables have turned.

Dan figures the first step is to get Phil breathing normally again, hopefully that’s something that will alleviate the fear he’s feeling. So he does everything a person is supposed to do to help someone through a panic attack. Dan slows his breathing down and takes deliberate breaths, asking Phil to match what he’s doing and exaggerating his movements in an attempt to get through to Phil faster. He keeps his voice soft, whispering short sentences that hopefully can penetrate Phil's fear and make him feel something other than blind panic. He and Phil have always been rather touchy with each other but keeps himself from touching him.

This goes on for nearly five minutes, Phil’s breathing is starting to get a little more even but he’s still damn near hyperventilating as he continues to beg Dan not to hurt him, and Dan gets even more worried as time continues to pass. His soothing words don't seem to have any affect on Phil whatsoever and Dan himself is starting to panic a little. Dan figures that if Phil doesn't snap out of it soon he's going to be forced to ring Phil's mum, figuring she might know more about what's going on, or maybe even an ambulance.

Dan honestly has no idea what to do, he's starting to get really scared, when Phil seems to snap out of it. His breathing slows down, becomes deeper and more deliberate, and the fearful stance he had taken when Dan reached out for him seems to melt away. Slowly Phil blinks, eyes focusing in on Dan in front of him, and Phil’s pleas cease.

"Dan?" Phil says softly, looking over at him with bloodshot eyes, and Dan can't do anything but nod. What else is he supposed to do in this situation?

"You okay Phil?" Dan asks, not sure what to say, and Phil is quiet for a few seconds before he seems to explode emotionally and makes grabby hands for Dan.

In a matter of seconds he has Phil in his arms, the older boy clinging so tightly to Dan that he has problems breathing, but he doesn't say anything. He lets Phil sob in his arms, comforting him with gentle back rubs and softly spoken words, until it seems like Phil physically can't cry anymore.

Ten minutes later, the two of them are in their new bathroom. Phil sits on the side of the tub while Dan kneels in front of him, using tweezers to pull out the bits of glass that have embedded themselves in Phil's skin. Dan doesn’t miss the fact that Phil doesn’t even flinch at the pain, even though there’s got to be at least ten pieces of glass wedged in his skin, and he tucks that information away in the back of his mind.

Both of them are silent, not a word being said between them, before Phil speaks up. "His name’s Tristan and he just about ruined me," Phil says softly, voice shaking so hard Dan has to struggle to make out what he's trying to say. “He, well, he messed me up pretty good.”

"Do you want to talk about it?" Dan asks quietly, setting the tweezers aside once he’s sure the glass is all gone before he gently wraps up the worst of Phil's cuts. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to, Phil. I’m not gonna make you do anything you don’t feel comfortable with; this is all you. I just want you to be comfortable.”

Phil is quiet for a few seconds before he shakes his head, looking down at his lap. Dan understands, he truly does. He wants to know who Tristan is, what he did to Phil and of what relation they were to each, but he doesn't prod him. Clearly whoever this Tristan fellow is had left a negative impression on Phil, something that'll reduce him to anxiety induced tears at the drop of a plate, and the last thing Dan wants is to force Phil into talking when he clearly isn't ready. He loves Phil, he knows that he'll come to him when he's ready.

Instead, Dan slowly helps Phil into his bedroom. His knees have to be hurting but Phil doesn’t say anything, acting like his cuts aren’t even there. He helps Phil get situated, pulling the covers up and over Phil’s shivering body. He knows he’s dotting on him but he can’t help it, Dan just really needs to know that Phil is okay.

Once he’s sure Phil is comfortable, he heads to their kitchen and makes him a cup of tea. It takes some digging to find everything he needs, their kitchen still isn’t fully unpacked yet and Dan has no idea where to find anything, but a few minutes later he has a steaming cup of tea in his hand. Dan grabs some Tylenol to help with the headache Phil’s sure to have before he heads back into his room. He hands Phil the tea and the Tylenol, making sure the older boy takes it, before he sets the mug on the bedside table.

Once he's sure Phil is comfortable and safe, Dan goes to leave only to be stopped by Phil's hand. Dan stops moving and turns to look at Phil. His hair is a mess, his eyes are bloodshot and red-rimmed, and honestly, he just looks like he needs a hug. “Do you want me to stay?” Dan asks softly.

Phil only nods, seemingly unable to say anything more, and Dan smiles softly. He’s never been able to deny Phil anything and will never pass up the opportunity to cuddle him.

Dan curls up next to Phil under the covers, lets him bury his face in Dan's neck, and doesn't comment on the fact that Phil starts to cry again once he’s in Dan’s arms. He just tightens his grip, shifts them into a more comfortable position, and lets Phil sob against his chest. Dan's shirt is soaked in minutes, but he just lays there in silence and does his absolute best to comfort him.

“I’m sorry,” Phil says once he seems to be all cried out, face not leaving the safe comfort of Dan’s neck.

“Why?” Dan says, confused. Phil’s got absolutely nothing to be sorry for, it’s not like he did anything wrong.

“For being such a baby,” Phil says, voice sounding so dejected it hurt. The way he says it makes Dan think Phil’s been told this before and that thought breaks his heart. “For not telling you, I mean we’ve been friends for how long now and I’ve never even mentioned Tristan’s name. And now we’re moving in together and you still don’t know anything about him. I’m such a bloody idiot. Why do you even want to put up with me?”

“Phil,” Dan tries to interject, but Phil starts talking again before Dan can say much of anything.

“I’m sorry for having a flashback, I know you would never hit me but I just- well, I just got stuck in another time. I didn’t recognize who you were or where I was and- I’m sorry,” Phil says, not looking up at Dan. “I’m sorry for breaking the plate in the first place. I know you’re the one who bought it and I swear I’ll pay to replace it tomorro. And… and I’m sorry for not being over it. I’m just, I’m really sorry. For everything. I know I’m a fuck up and I’ve got problems, I shoul-”

Dan cuts Phil off by pressing his finger against his lips, shaking his head. “I never want to hear you apologize for any of that. You’re not a baby Phil, you’re the bravest person I have ever known. Having a messed up past doesn’t change that, not in the slightest. I don’t need to know the details to pick up on the fact that what you went through was clearly traumatic, there’s nothing wrong with that still affecting you. Don’t apologize, especially not to me, for what your brain does when it’s presented with a triggering situation. It’s not your fault.”

Dan’s pretty sure Phil’s face is permanently glued to his collarbone, as he can’t seem to pull away long enough for him to get a good look at him. Dan lays there for a second, letting his hands run up and down Phil’s back as Phil presses his face against his collarbone. He thinks it should probably feel weird, lying in bed with his best friend like this, but it doesn’t. Dan’s never been much of a touchy person, he really doesn’t do well with people in his personal space, but laying down with Phil feels like the most natural thing he’s ever done. And he loves it.

“You know me better than anyone, Dan,” Phil says softly, “but there’s still things you don’t know. I’ve kept them from you because I didn’t want you to see me as weak or fragile, to think I was a pathetic baby, but now that we’re living together it’s going to be hard to keep from you. I get nervous and scared easily, things trigger me constantly, and panic attacks are pretty common. I’ve got a lot of issues still, issues I’ve hid from you, but I’m working on overcoming it. I’m a hard person to deal with and I’m sorry for not telling you this sooner. There's really no excuse, I was just afraid of losing you.”

“Hey,” Dan says, pulling back so he can look Phil in the eye. “Don’t you ever apologize for what just happened, none of that was your fault. I’m not mad at you for keeping things from me, Phil, how could I be? You’re not obligated to tell me everything just because you’re my best friend and we live together. You’ll tell me what’s going on when you’re ready, and that’s good enough for me. I don’t expect anything from you, I just want you to be yourself. If you want to keep secrets that’s okay, but don’t you ever feel obligated to keep things bottled up because you think I’m gonna see you differently. That’s not true.”

Dan smiles and wipes the tears away from Phil’s eyes, brushing Phil’s fringe off his forehead. “Obviously something happened to you,” Dan says, choosing his words carefully, “that messed you up and causes you to have panic attacks. But don’t think that makes you weak. I know what it’s like when people tell you to stop being a baby, that your problems don’t matter, and I don’t want you to ever feel like that with me.”

Phil doesn’t say anything, but the way he tightens his hands around Dan and buries his head in his chest says enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/assbuttrickyl)


	2. Chapter 2

Nothing really changes between the two of them after what they refer to as “the kitchen incident” is over and done with. They don’t tell their fans about what happened, Phil has a hard enough time admitting it to Dan and there’s no way in hell, no matter how much he cares for them, he’s ready to tell them what happened. For the most part, they act like nothing had even happened. Phil’s biggest fear of telling Dan about his past was that it would somehow change the way they saw each other which leaves Dan determined to make sure that that fear never becomes a reality. The last thing he wants is for Phil to feel like their dynamic has changed. He cares for Phil too much to jeopardize their relationship by acting like an idiot. 

Dan doesn’t look at Phil any differently than he had before because, to him, the Phil standing in front of him right now is still the Phil Dan’s always known. Things aren’t different, at least not much different, now that Dan knows Phil had problems with a boyfriend before they had met. Dan doesn’t see Phil as a different person, he just sees him as Phil. And honestly, that’s all that Phil needs right now.

He still hasn’t said much about who Tristan is and why he’s affected him so badly, but Dan doesn’t really care. Yeah, he wants to know the story behind him. The fact that Phil is keeping such a big part of his life secret from him kills him. But more than anything he wants Phil to feel comfortable around Dan, and right now that means keeping him in the dark. He knows that Phil will tell him when he’s ready and that’s enough for him.

Though Dan doesn’t see Phil any differently now, he learns pretty quickly what triggers him and will go out of his way to prevent that from happening. He doesn’t walk on eggshells around him and he doesn’t try to play the white knight in shining armor here to take away all his pain; Phil doesn’t need that from him. Phil needs a sense of normal, he needs the relationship he has with his best friend to remain the same, he needs to feel good about himself and feel good about he and Dan. He doesn't need Dan treating him differently now. 

Dan still plays pranks on him and he still tries to scare him when he can, they both get a kick out of it. He still rages out when they play video games, he stills rants about people’s stupidity, and he still maintains his sardonic personality. He’s not overtly cheerful just for the sake of it and he doesn’t change the way he talks to try and make Phil more comfortable around him. Phil is already comfortable around him, Dan doesn't need to change who he is to make him more so. Phil likes that Dan doesn’t treat him as if he’s fragile, if his behavior didn’t bother Phil before Dan had known about Tristan it’s not going to bother him now that he does know.

Still, despite all of this, Dan does try and avoid simple things. He’s learned that unexpected loud noises, whether it be the sound of a plate breaking or a door slamming shut, cause panic attacks for Phil, especially if they’re paired with something that Phil thinks he did wrong, and should be avoided if possible. The first time Dan had slammed the door after coming home from a stressful day had left Phil, who thought Dan was pissed off at him, frozen in the middle the hallway terrified of Dan’s every move. After that Dan made sure to never slam the door.

He’s learned that Phil needs reassurance, reassurance that he’s doing okay, that Dan’s not mad at him, that he’s happy, and does his best not to get frustrated, no matter how many times Dan’s told him it’s okay, when Phil gets in one of his self-doubting moods. Phil’s self-confidence is low, much lower than Dan had realized before, so he’s never short of giving Phil compliments, compliments he would have given him even if he had never found out about Tristan, as much as possible. Dan’s always liked complimenting Phil, telling him how much he cares about him and how much he values his intelligence, and that hasn’t changed any.

He’s learned how to differentiate between Phil’s moods and can even predict them now. Now that they live together, now that Phil can’t really hide from him, he’s noticed that Phil has bad days. Most of the time they are few and far between but they can get to be pretty bad fairly fast which means Dan’s had to become more intuitive. He can pick up on what Phil needs from him based on how he acts.

Some days, Phil can’t force himself to be in Dan’s presence. He needs his privacy just as much as anyone else does and Dan understands that. He’ll retreat to his bedroom or their lounge, leaving Phil to his own devices, while occasionally making sure he’s eating and drinking enough. Other days Phil really needs Dan to just be there for him. On those days he’ll go into Phil’s room, put on some kind of anime or buffy episode, and they’ll cuddle with each other all day while eating take out and ignoring the rest of the world. Regardless, Dan never pressures Phil into doing anything; he knows without a doubt that if Phil wanted to talk to him he would and he makes sure he abides by what Phil needs.

In the end, the most important thing Dan has learned is that he can’t fix Phil. There’s nothing really to fix for one, he doesn’t see Phil as broken despite his past relationship, and that’s the truth. But Phil does have problems he needs to work out for himself, regardless of how okay he seems to be, and Dan can’t just make those go away. There’s no erasing the past, there’s no brushing over bad memories, and Dan gets that.

He can be there for him, he can hold Phil when he feels like he's going to slip away, he can attempt to put together the “broken” pieces. Dan can sit there and outline everything he loves about Phil, tell him he's beautiful and worthy, love him with every fiber of his being. But in the end, the only person who can save Phil is Phil. And that's the hardest thing Dan has ever had to admit.

Even now, with the two of them lying in bed together and Phil asleep on Dan’s arm looking so peaceful, he wants to erase Tristan from his brain. But he can’t. Instead, Dan makes a promise to himself and a promise to Phil. He promises to be there for him as much as he possibly can while still allowing Phil to be there for himself.

They still aren’t technically dating, but every day they move a little closer towards a relationship.

 


End file.
